These autobiographical poems were written from the inside of survival—when I mistook control for safety and pain for love. Some pieces are raw, fragmented, or blunt, reflecting the emotional turmoil I experienced during those years.
This section includes themes of coercion, exploitation, and deep emotional confusion. Even when conveyed through metaphor, these poems represent a part of my journey.
If you choose to read, I invite you to do so gently and prayerfully. My goal is not to shock, but to tell the truth—and to illustrate what it can look like when God begins the process of emotional healing, pulling someone out of captivity, one breath at a time.
I believe this poetry is important to share because it highlights the full contrast of what Jesus Christ has healed in me. Without the 'before,' the healing would not appear as miraculous. This writing is part of my testimony. God can restore what trauma tried to destroy.
God bless you,
Mel Cat
August 21, 2010
22 years old
I am living in a foggy existence
I can’t see where I’m going
I can’t tell which way is which
I can’t read any of the signs
I don’t understand any of the directions
My map has no road lines
My compass doesn’t stop moving
Even when I stand still,
No matter where I’m going.
I am lost
Everything is blurry
Nothing makes sense
No matter how far I walk,
I end up right here
I’m doing it over and over again
Reliving the same moment,
Over and over
No matter how many times
Nothing becomes clear
Everything is foggy
Nothing makes sense
Everything is blurry
I am lost,
I am depressed
But not hopeless
I still have bridges to cross
There’s light
In the distance
August 2010
(22 years old)
What could’ve been
I could’ve given you everything
Everything you asked for
And, oh, so much more,
So much more
What could’ve been
I could’ve been yours completely
Just like you wanted
My body,
Soul,
And mind
If you could’ve let me give my heart
What could’ve been
If you could’ve thought outside the box
Let me out,
Just turned the lock
I would’ve been free in your arms
What could’ve been
If you couldn’t have been so cold,
So cold,
Uncaring,
Unconvincing,
And so, so greedy
What could’ve been
If you could’ve thought of more than lust,
I could’ve given you a little trust
I could’ve been at your feet
If you could’ve opened up to me
I could’ve been on my knees
What could’ve been
If you could’ve given me some thought
And took this seriously
If you could’ve stopped thinking of your needs
If you could’ve been honest with what you sought
If you could’ve stopped with the lies
I would’ve stopped trying to hide.
August 2010
(22 years old)
All you give me is confusion, misery, and lies
It’s obvious now
I’m nothing to you
So why are you so much to me?
I will not hide
It’s ridiculous how
I try to make myself believe it’s all right
If all the good men are taken,
Then there’s no such thing as a good guy
Except just one,
That I passed up on
But I was too stupid to see it.
August 2010
(22 years old)
So alone,
No one to trust
Everyone is so selfish
I tell them something about me
They tell me something about them,
Try to compare,
Relate to eachother -
Understand
Sometimes, I just want to be listened to,
Not looking for sympathy
Or even empathy
Just want to look into someone’s eyes
And see them hearing me,
Feel,
Them listening
I don’t want what I say to be disregarded,
And I don’t want to be blamed
I know,
It’s all my fault,
I don’t need to be reminded
But,
I am selfish, too.
September 16, 2010
(22 years old)
Total relief from the captivity of a leech,
What he took for granted,
Is no longer his
I can speak without permission,
I can smile without force,
The hills are not as slanted,
I can walk without being commanded
The path is not as coarse
I am no longer scared of his fist.
Never again
Will I kneel before him,
Never again,
Will I obey him
No more trust,
No more commitment,
I was an option,
A temporary replacement.
Never again,
Will I answer when he sends,
Through the air,
His manipulation
Never again,
Will I care,
For his corruption,
Never again.
November 8, 2010
(22 years old)
Push and Pull,
Push and pull,
In every direction,
But without a destination
No matter what I do,
I get nothing done,
I always end up the fool,
My limbs are stretched like an elastic starfish
But, I always end up hurting those I’m around
I cannot make everyone happy
So, I tell them what I believe to be true,
At that moment
Just doing what’s right for me
Not thinking of others,
I have never been this selfish.
Push and pull,
I’m not behaving naturally
So, I’m very confused
Should I stay silent?
And have my life lived for me?
Trying to stand still
Just for a moment
But still, I’m running everywhere
I don’t see substance in anything
It’s all empty
I thought this would be liberating
But,
I’m squished in a hall that’s never ending
Push and pull,
Push and pull,
They all say I’m afraid,
And I deny it
I am too proud,
Too stubborn,
To do what’s right in front of me,
Waiting,
Just waiting
It’s too cold
To step outside the open door
And I’m too damn impatient
To stay in the hall
Too damn safe
I look above,
Yet my feet are burning,
My mind is racing,
The doors are closing,
The hall is expanding,
But I’m still not coming to any conclusion
Is there a closet I can hide in?
Should I stay or should I run?
Push
And
Pull
April 3, 2011
(23 years old)
Laying in bed,
Staring at the ceiling,
Clock is ticking,
Sad music is playing,
No one knows,
Or even cares to notice,
Alone
Putting on an act when others are awake,
No one sees through the mask
That I’m wearing
So many disappointments,
No one to depend on,
No one to rely on,
No one to talk to,
No one to relate to.
Giving up on humanity,
Wanting to leave it all behind
To live in a cave like a bear,
Block the entrance up with stone,
No one can come in,
I can’t come out
No one to disappoint me,
But myself.
It has always been this way,
Why not make it a reality?
I’ve always stood alone
All other people do is use me,
Throw me away,
Take their anger out on me,
Like a punching bag
I don’t fight back,
I have no arms,
I only move when attacked,
And when they stop,
I stand still
In a dusty old basement
By myself
For someone to talk to, I’d give anything
Absolutely
January 10, 2011
(22 years old)
“Too intelligent
To be acting foolishly”,
Some once told me.
But where are they now?
They’ve forgotten. Because I’m
A disappointment.
Unsure of myself,
Please tell me you can see the
Potential in me.
Please say you can see
Through my insecurities,
Beyond all my doubt.
I would be able
To accomplish anything.
I hold myself back.
If only some
Believed in me; If I did.
This is all I need.
I run in circles,
Around and around for hours,
But I get nowhere.
January 10, 2011
22 years old
For just a second,
I felt like myself today,
Then I disappeared
Just as suddenly
As I came. Where did I go?
I am lost again.
Nothing more than just
A mystery to myself.
What have I become?
Stranger to myself,
No answers, just confusion
That’s all I am now.
Living in the past,
I am so full of regret,
Mistakes, guilt, and pain.
I consume myself,
Holding back because of fear
Failure, rejection.
But please, show yourself
There’s no one holding me back
Anymore but me
Nothing more than just
A mystery to myself
I am lost, again.
August 2, 2011
(23 years old)
Wait, wait, I’m coming,
I think. Oh no, I am back,
Back, where I started.
This is familiar,
What am I going to do?
I cannot break through.
There’s a barrier,
Invisible, but it’s there,
I feel it around,
Constricting me.
I don’t know what it is, though.
I can’t see, just feel.
I’m as blind as I was
Before all of this happened,
When I understood.
I’m missing something
What am I supposed to see?
If there’s anything.
Is my sanity
Still intact? Or is it my
Confusion that’s wrong?
What keeps me back here?
Why do I keep forgetting?
Who and where I am.
Nothing more than just
A grey cloud of confusion.
I am lost again.
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