Inside the Pain

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These poems are a reflection of my journey through survival, where I often mistook control for safety and pain for love. Some pieces are raw, fragmented, or blunt, mirroring the tumultuous state of my mind during those years.

This section delves into themes of coercion, exploitation, and profound emotional confusion. Even when expressed through metaphor, these works are deeply autobiographical and serve as a form of spiritual healing poetry.

If you choose to read, I invite you to do so gently and prayerfully. My intention is not to shock, but to convey the truth—and illustrate what it can look like when God begins to pull someone from captivity, one breath at a time.

I believe this survival poetry is vital to share because it highlights the stark contrast of what Jesus Christ has healed in me. Without the “before,” the healing would not seem as miraculous. This writing is part of my testimony through poetry. God can restore what trauma tried to destroy.

God bless you,

Mel Cat

November 15, 2000

12 years old

Days of lost hope and tragedy

Nights of sorrow and misery

Because of you,

This happened.

Because of you,

I am stronger.

Maybe I just misunderstood,

Maybe I was just wrong,

Maybe you were never real,

Maybe it was all a dream,

I remember you, though,

Dancing around like you controlled my heart,

I didn’t understand it,

But now I do.

Now I know you are,

Someone that’s not real,

Someone I see in all of my dreams,

You’re just a lie,

A fictional being.

December 27, 2000

12 years old

Words can’t describe how I feel,

I can’t even imagine what it was like

Not too long ago,

When I didn’t know that my heart

Was what you wanted to steal.

The time I called you my lost love,

The time I couldn’t see why you hated me,

The time I couldn’t see why I loved you,

The time you stopped everything in my life,

The time where you killed me, so deeply,

That all I wanted was to be with you.

But look at me now,

Now that you’re gone.

Watch me now,

From wherever you are,

And don’t say,

You never loved me.

All I want is to be with you,

Watch me.

January 1, 2001

12 years old

By saying three little words,

I ruined it all,

By saying, “I love you”,

I made myself feel so small.

You,

My entire world.

What happened to it all?

Suddenly, you just left.

I need to forget,

I need to know what is true.

But now I will never know,

Because you’re just a foe.

What happened to it all?

You’re gone,

So I guess I will say, “So long.”

I just can’t see why this happened,

Or even how.

Were you real?

Did you lie?

Why?

Leaving me feeling pathetic and weak.

I still feel like that,

Even now.

I can’t help but to dream about you,

When we were semi-together,

It didn’t seem like forever,

Time went by so fast.

But it was so magical.

But now, you’re gone.

It’s time to wait for a miracle,

Or just move on,

At last.

This experience, a piece of survival poetry,

Leaves me questioning the past.

I just can’t see why this happened,

Or even how,

Did you lie?

How did you feel?

Why did you leave?

Why?

Leaving me feeling pathetic and weak.

I still feel like that,

Even now.

Sometimes I wonder,

Will you come back someday?

And if so,

What will happen?

Will it be the same way?

Will it happen all over again?

Will you lie, and let us end,

As I beg you to stay?

I just can’t see why this happened,

Or even how.

Were you real?

Did you lie?

Why did you leave?

Why?

I feel so weak.

Am I dreaming my life away?

Did you die a few times,

And then come back from the grave?

Just let it end,

I can’t take it.

Let me try and make it,

On my own.

March 14, 2001

13 years old

Here I am again,

Waiting for something to remember

A loss of interest,

A hope of dying,

Is that the only answer?

Who can I trust?

Who is real?

Everyone in this world,

They’re just mortals,

Everyone in this whole world,

They don’t have any morals.

My own innocence,

My own place in this world

My future,

My life,

It's in your hands

My soul belongs to you

Don’t lie,

Please, don’t leave

I don’t understand it,

You’re a liar,

You’re a hypocrite,

You’re a murderer,

So why deny it?

Here I am,

Searching for evil

I don’t realize,

But it’s all around

I’m looking for a normal life,

Which I already have,

Then blaming my lost love,

For not knowing.

Liar,

Hypocrite,

Murderer,

These words all describe you

Liar,

Hypocrite,

Murderer

You never said anything that was true,

Never true

This confuses me,

But doesn’t make me weak,

Our stormy friendship is over,

Even though it’s been steep.

I’m kind of glad it’s over,

Even though I never thought it would end.

And only painful memories I can keep

And you stopped all of it

It’s all my fault,

I’m such a hypocrite.

March 23, 2001

13 years old

The time is approaching,

Almost a year,

For when my heart died.

It’s so stupid,

To think he would come back,

I haven’t seen him,

I don’t even know if he’s still breathing.

He hurt me,

Killed my spirit

But, I, myself, am still alive,

And I just don’t know why.

So many days,

So many lies,

So many secrets,

That kill me inside.

I’m surprised I even remember,

When I loved him,

When I thought he loved me.

So many secrets,

Never to be told.

Is it my fault?

Everybody lies.

He changed me so much,

And what do I have to show?

A few writings,

Things that show my soul.

I want him back in my life.

I want to stop breathing,

I want to cry to myself at night.

I want to die,

So what keeps me alive?

Do I need this obsession?

Is it something I can’t live without?

Will he come back?

Or will my life be full of doubt?

Why are so many people,

So very blind?

Why can’t people see,

Beyond the looking glass?

Oh, can’t we go back in time?

Why do my words come out so wrong?

Why can’t people see

The truth,

Everything,

Maybe even the real me?

June 6, 2001

13 years old

How I got together with this boy I hardly know,

Is a mystery to me,

Because,

You see,

A long time ago,

I knew someone that in my heart and mind,

I still know.

He was this boy,

Who really didn’t care,

If I laugh or if I cry,

If I live or even if I die,

Why did I like him?

I made myself believe

That he would always be here,

That he would never leave,

“He’s my type,” I said to myself,

As I walked down the aisle,

To a fate I never met.

I feel as if I’ve been isolated,

Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told.

I’m totally blind

And all of the energy,

Of my Long, Lost Love

Has been washed down the drain

I’ll never understand why

He looked me straight in the eyes

He said what I wanted to hear,

But it was all lies

I don’t understand,

Why do I still care?

I’m looking around,

Everything is totally different,

Eventhough I feel exactly the same

I have these parts to play,

Nothing special,

Just an acting stage

I have this decision to make

Something that can change my life,

My identity,

My soul,

Forever.

Now,

Back to this boy,

Who I now,

Live for,

So many people,

Don’t want us together,

But really,

What do they know?

I know we’ll live forever

And my soul,

He will adore.

I don’t know what I want,

I can’t figure out what to think.

I need to decide.

How do I live without betrayal?

People will say,

“No big deal,

No reason to worry,”

But how do I lie?

How do I reveal

What I truly know?

What I truly feel?

I’m so confused,

I have no future,

Just like I have no past

June 10, 2001

13 years old

I hate myself for what I did

And I figure you don’t really care

Despite of what you said,

Everyone else tells a different story

I know, I shouldn’t care

But, I’m still wrapped up in all this pain.

You’re damn right I hate you,

You’re damn right you’re the blame

You stabbed me in the back

Your promises, you said you kept

Apparently, you didn’t.

Before I met you,

I didn’t know what jealousy meant,

But now my heart is a jealous fountain,

And so are my friends’

I never should’ve asked you out

But you showed me, to myself.

I tried,

I really did,

But I just don’t believe in love

I never wanted your broken heart

I had no choice,

I tried to love you.

You say we had a relationship,

But really, what did we have?

Nothing.

Just two broken hearts trying to find a match.

You say it was all a big lie,

But what would’ve happened if I didn’t tell you?

We would have something to hold on to

And to never forget.

There’s this part of my that wants us to get back together

But, I just don’t know.

You thought I was lying,

That I was wrong.

I found myself trying to believe,

It took too long.

The truth became a lie,

And now you’re gone.

At least I don’t have to hide.

August 6, 2001

13 years old

Make me take care of your mistakes, 

Never let me succeed, 

Be a loser, 

Let things be, 

Lie and steal, 

Destroy me.

You’re a liar, 

You’re a thief, 

But you’re a want, 

And a need

You’re my soul, 

And my everything, 

I can’t help it, 

It’s just how you made me, 

Manipulated me.

I blame myself for your mistakes. 

I worship your every breath. 

And I know none of this is healthy, 

But all I know is, 

Now that you hate me, 

And I wish I could’ve done everything different, 

I’m angry, 

And I’m so upset.

But, this should’ve ended long ago, 

‘Cause now I wish I was dead. 

I should’ve accepted your apology 

And just let it end, 

Just let it end. 

August 6, 2001

13 years old

I’m still stayin’ faithful to the one I never had

I don’t know why,

Or if it’s even for him,

At all.

He made my life a living nightmare

And its only gotten worse since he left

I should just move on

But his clone,

Lives on,

And i see him everyday

He’s made me totally paranoid

Just because he’s the one, insecure.

How is it I love him less, but know him more?

Is it because I know he’s going to leave,

And then come back, as soon as we forgive eachother?

Just like I wanted it.

I knew this was going to happen,

I knew you were an unforgiving soul.

I want things back the way they were.

When you were my obsession,

Now you’re just a fear.

December 27, 2001

13 years old

You make me so happy,

Yet so sad,

You rip out my heart everytime we’re together,

Then replace it with your ignorance and greed

You can make me so strong,

And at the same time,

You make me weak,

You have this power over me.

You control all of my feelings,

You make my every move for me,

You confuse me,

Because you tell me,

All my thoughts and needs.

When you are happy,

I am,

When you are unhappy,

I am.

Why must you control me?

Why must I let you?

Why do I let

Ignorance

Dominate me?

What could I be feeling?

Are we meant for each other?

Or do you just tell me that we are?

Do you know all that I’ve been through?

Do you even care?

Would you believe me if I told you?

Or would you just stare?

February 21, 2002

14 years old

Your initials inscribed on my skin,

Our memories of being in love,

The scene of us falling apart,

The thought of us being over,

Then the conclusion of us moving on

And maybe even someday,

Our future together.

When I miss you,

I picture you in my mind.

You’re the only reason I keep going,

You’re the only person that keeps me believing

Not even the distance can scare us into dying.

You stick to me,

Because my love for you keeps growing

You’re a part of my soul

If we completely abandoned each other,

My world would fall apart.

Date Unknown

~15 years old

Jealousy controls me and I hate everything.

My genetic structure destroys me,

Making me live this life I’m in.

I hate everyone.

Don’t talk to me,

Don’t look at me,

Don’t befriend me,

Then betray me.

I’ve never been so angry.

I just wish you could see.

I wish you didn’t have this power over me.

Because no matter what I do or say,

I always come out insane,

Always different,

Never who I want to be,

Or who I know I can be.

I’m so sick of everything.

The make up,

Baggy clothes,

Medicine,

To cover everything up,

To make it go away,

Eventhough it just comes back the next day.

To cover up the pain, bruises, disorders and diseases.

I’m too damn proud.

And I won’t let you see

Because no matter what I do,

I always lose,

Always fail.

And everyone else has some sort of power over me.

I hate all the traits I got from him,

And all the ones I didn’t.

I hate how when he’s pissed,

He acts fine.

I hate how I can never please him,

And never know what he wants.

I hate how he’s perfect,

And his stubborness

I hate when he interrupts me and I forget what I was doing.

I hate how when he wants something done,

He wants me to rush.

I hate how I always lose when I’m against him.

I hate how I don’t even try anymore

I hate how so much of him rubbed off on me.

I hate how he treats me like a whore,

Like I don’t matter.

I don’t care if it’s a reaction to what happened.

So annoying.

Humans can’t be humans.

We can’t have any feelings.

Everyday I live in hiding.

Because I’m too afraid to show up

I don’t know why I’m even trying

Everything just crashes down on me,

I don’t want to keep picking myself up.

Because it just gets worse

But I don’t know any sympathy, even empathy,

And certainly no remorse.

I just want to break free,

Where I can live and not be forced,

To breathe.

January 11, 2004

15 years old

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore

Everything is so simple,

Maybe that’s why

I’m not used to things being easy for me.

But after all I’ve been through,

How is this harder?

I don’t know what I want,

But, I actually do

I don’t want to forget,

I don’t want all of this to be a memory

But I’m too afraid

I don’t want to be alone - 

But I do;

But I don’t.

It gets so confusing,

When my feelings change everyday

But my love for him,

Always stays

Then shouldn’t that solve everything?

I go through this,

Again, 

And Again.

Time to make it a reality

And just let it end,

let it end.

May 8, 2004

(16 years old)

I can’t believe there was a time

Where I was so powerless,

Where I was so blind,

Where I was so trapped,

When now, I can breathe without help

When I can walk without falling,

It’s so amazing,

Such a transformation

I can’t even believe,

It’s like I recovered from a fatal disease.

I don’t know where I’d be without you.

You rescued me from the gates of hell

You saw something in me

When I thought all help was lost.

Now when I look in the mirror,

I can’t believe that girl is me

I don’t know what’d happen if you were to leave

I have dreams - 

Maybe more like nightmares

Where you’d say it was a game,

My biggest fear

But, I would rather play the game forever

Then lose you.

I feel so guilty,

I know you’re more than human,

Eventhough you’re so modest

I don’t know why I think you’d leave

But it still scares me

Just like it scares you

Does that make us equal?

I don’t know if it should.

I never knew what it felt like

To be so happy,

To have someone believe in you

As much as you believe in them

I won’t need anything else,

As long as we’re together

You’re my faith,

You’re where I belong.

April 22, 2010

22 years old

Late at night,

I miss you

I’ve wanted to turn back time,

To when I had you,

But, I never did.

You were somebody else’s

All along.

I gave you my all.

I gave,

And, I gave,

And, I gave.

You gave too,

Heartache and pain

I miss your passion,

Most of all.

Now I wonder,

Where did that come from?

You might have worn a mask,

But that couldn’t hide your enthusiasm.

Now, I’m trapped.

And I don’t even know what keeps me going.

I have no chance

I’ve lit my own fire

And now it’s time to 

Burn,

Burn,

Burn.

I’m locked in a cage.

He’s swallowed the key.

I have no choices,

But isn’t that what I wanted?

To have no hope?

To be controlled,

To be owned?

But, why do I feel this is a temporary arrangement?

That he is just playing games.

Not committing to me 

Eventhough, I am so committed to him.

Late at night,

When there’s no one around,

I miss your passion,

Most of all.

May 2010

22 years old

What would you do,

If I say, “I love you”?

Would you close that door?

Ask me, “how do you know what love is?”

Would it change anything?

What would you do,

If I say, “I trust you”?

Would you betray my trust or embrace it?

Would you make me feel safe?

Or would you treat me like shit?

How can I open myself up to you,

When you are as cold as Alaskan winter?

When you just want my body,

Not all of me,

Not my thoughts,

Or my feelings.

You want me to enjoy it all,

But I don’t understand why you want me,

What do you want with me?