These poems were written during my childhood, a time when my world was small, yet my childhood emotions were immense. I was trying to grasp concepts like love, loss, and identity before I had the words to express any of it. Some of these early poetry pieces reflect innocence, others reveal heartbreak, and some depict the first cracks forming beneath the surface.
As you read, you’ll notice a shift: from wondering about my identity, to grieving what I lost, to wrestling with faith and the onset of a spiritual battle. This section is not polished, nor is it meant to be. It is honest and raw. It marks the beginning of my story.
Themes: identity, grief, faith, confusion, and early heartbreak.
June 2, 2000
(12 years old)
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
Do I see what everyone else is seeing -
The reason for my being?
Who I really am,
Why I really can,
Do whatever I please,
And not cease,
Even when one breaks my heart.
Being who I want to be,
Never going to flee,
Always trying to be happy,
No matter what happens to me.
I must do this from the start
From when I see light,
‘Til I go to sleep at night
August 14, 2000
(12 years old)
I’m going through this box of junk
Everything I see reminds me of you
Even the smallest things do
I found a book
That brings tears to my eyes
When I look inside,
I see your name written on it a hundred times.
Its like a flashback of my past
Of the best and worst times
I thought it would last
Forever and ever
Until I left this world
But you left me first,
And I will never be cured.
Why did you lie
About the smallest things?
This isn’t fair
Everynight it makes me cry
I thought you would always be here
But I couldn’t be more wrong
I thought you cared
It’s been so, so long
I’m thinking about my last time talking to you
Everything from that day I can still see
When I asked you,
“Why did you lie?
Everything from that day I can still remember,
When you left me
It’s like one big picture in my mind,
A picture of memories
Could this be some kind of sign?
Are you trying to tell me something?
What could this mean?
This picture that’s been seen.
Why did you lie
About the biggest things?
This isn’t fair
Everynight it makes me cry
I thought you would always be here,
But I couldn’t be more wrong
I thought you cared
It’s been so, so long
I’m listening to the radio,
Trying to find a song to give me strength,
I turn up the stereo
Thinking this song understands,
But at the end of the song,
The two are dancing and holding hands.
It’s like no one gets this kind of pain
That, “I lost everything but had nothing” kind
Maybe feeling this way is just lame
I tried,
And I climbed,
But I still got nowhere,
And here I am,
Alone again.
Why did you lie
About everything?
This isn’t fair,
Everynight it makes me cry
I thought you would always be here
But I couldn’t be more wrong
I thought you cared.
It’s been so, so long.
September 27, 2000
(12 years old)
True Happiness is when I’m with you,
True Happiness is when I’m alone,
True Happiness is that I love you,
True Happiness is living in this dome.
True Happiness is when you talk to me,
True Happiness is when I lie to you,
True Happiness is that I know we’re meant to be,
True Happiness is that I hate you.
True Happiness reflects childhood emotions that we all feel,
True Happiness is that we’ll stay together,
True Happiness is that we’ll grow apart,
True Happiness is I will love you forever,
True Happiness is that our future, together, is dark.
May 6, 2001
(13 years old)
Maybe it’s too early,
Maybe it’s too late,
To change the mistakes I’ve made.
I can’t seem to figure all of this out
I try believing,
I try praying,
But it just comes back to doubt.
I want to believe,
Like when I was a child,
So innocent,
So understood,
I remember,
I would sing,
I would pray,
I would do everything I could
To keep my faith in You.
But now,
Everything has changed,
I lie to myself,
And to the world
I need to believe,
Like when I was a child
Everything was so simple then.
I’ve lost my faith,
I’ve lost my future
I’ve lost my youth.
I’m being controlled
And I can’t concentrate,
I can’t think
I’m becoming shallow,
I’m becoming selfish,
I’m becoming someone I will hate.
I’ve been acting evil,
Letting people get what they want
I’ve been doing things,
I would have never tried,
If it hadn’t been for you.
I’ve lost myself,
And I can’t remember why.
To keep my faith in ou.
Are the people that keep me alive.
August 23, 2001
(13 years old)
I never thought I would feel this way,
I can’t explain it,
But the world doesn’t seem
So incredibly closed, dark, and plain.
This world -
I’m not afraid
I don’t need anything,
No, nothing at all,
Just You.
In my early poetry, I’ve never felt like this.
You live inside of me.
I never thought I'd ever feel this way,
Like I could conquer anything standing in my way,
Like I could break free from any trap they’ve made,
I can’t do this without You,
I don’t want to leave You,
You live inside of me.
I never thought I deserved to feel this way,
I felt so used,
So terrible,
So unneeded.
But I need You,
I need to learn from You,
Trust in You,
And accept You.
For You are my True Father,
And a wonderful King.
You live inside of me.
September 8, 2001
13 years old
God is love,
God is true,
I didn’t know God,
When I knew you.
I didn’t truly love you,
Like I said I do,
You didn’t know God,
You didn’t know love,
When I knew you.
You went to hell,
The place with fire,
Deep,
In the ground,
When you died.
You didn’t know God,
You didn’t know love,
You didn’t love me,
Like you said you do.
God is happiness,
God is my everything,
And it’s all because of you.
If you were still here,
I’d still be living a lie,
And you would be, too.
You were my life.
Now, you’re just a reason to cry.
You were my everything,
So why would you die?
We were supposed to live together,
When we got older,
Die together, and be with each other,
But I’ve learned so much from you.
Heartache,
Guilt,
Recovery,
A new life,
Myself.
God is the Lord.
God is love.
God is happiness,
And even sadness.
God is my everything,
But so were you -
No more.
April 15, 2002
(14 years old)
Run away, from fear
To something better, safer
From past, to future
Away from evil spirits,
Onto holy ground
Cast all of your hopes on me.
Live a somewhat better life,
Be afraid of what would happen,
If you go back.
I’ve been to hell and back,
From thorn to throne
I’ve been to heaven and back,
From a higher throne,
To a lower thorn.
And I have tattoos all over my soul,
So many attempted to stay dead,
Yet something keeps me living,
So many trials to keep living,
I am somehow -
Unreal.
I’ve been shown,
After centuries of being hidden.
I’m glowing,
After an eternity of being dim.
Where do I go now?
I can feel my heart beating now.
I can hear my breathing now,
Oxygen, blood flow,
Rise and fall,
Rise and fall.
I ran from my past,
Survived,
I’m alive.
It’s a miracle.
May 2, 2002
(14 years old)
I’m back where I used to be,
When confusion swept over me,
A reflection of my childhood emotions.
I’m standin’ in a pit of lies,
With a hope that’ll never rise.
I feel like cryin’,
Yet I hold back tears,
I’m too damn proud,
And this world can’t see -
Can’t see me cry.
My heart is breakin’
Yet one more time,
I’ve suffered the consequence
Of my deceitful eyes.
Oh, Jesus,
Just give me a sign.
Because ain’t no one is hearin’ my cries.
That fallen angel’s timing,
Is always off-track,
Though I never want to see him,
He always comes back.
He ain’t shy.
September 3, 2011
Age 23 (Reflection)
Sometimes, I wish I could multiply myself,
Be in several places at once.
Maybe I enjoy life a little too much.
The air,
The water,
The mountains,
The scenery,
The pain and misery,
The pleasure and happiness,
The calm and chaos
I feel so blessed
Just to feel my heart beating,
The thump, thump, thump
To breathe in oxygen
Inhale, exhale
The thoughts running around my brain,
So much to say,
So much to do.
I wish others could appreciate
The world, their life.
As it is
If they could just look within themselves,
And just be able to see
What I see,
Feel what I feel
If they could find their inner peace
If they just took a deep breath
And realized
Every breath they take is a gift,
Even the pain and misery,
Sorrow, despair
Their blood, their thoughts, their touch and senses
The world,
God,
It’s all a gift.
I feel radiant,
At peace with myself and the world around me
But,
Anger is still inside of me
I’m not afraid to show it
Angry at the people who use me, ignore me, and reject me
Make me feel like I’m alone,
But, I am confident
I don’t need the negativity,
The tension,
The dark, hollow pit
They’re right, I don’t belong with them.
I belong in the sky,
Flying through the clouds
With the wind blowing back my hair
And me,
Breathing in the beautiful, fresh air.
I’m sorry,
But I can’t help them
I cannot look within them
And find their inner peace for them
Especially when their insides are so dark and cold,
Filled with garbage, decay, and mold.
Maybe one day,
They will see,
Understand that
Life is a gift,
Not a burden.
The first step
Stop thinking about what you want
Think about others
Live to help others
And your needs will be met,
It will all fall into place.
Find your inner peace.
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